A satire by Connor O'Brien
Exam week is tough for everyone, including the teachers. The freshman, however, have it the worst. These poor innocent children must go from collecting flowers and playing in sandboxes to studying multiple hours a day for seven exams in a single week. Woowee. This is obviously an enormous strain on their tiny little minds. How did they do it?
Well, according to Liam Cune’s little brother Sean, the major key to success is to study alone for a couple of hours per exam. Although individual study is his forte, he admitted to mooching off of a certain classmate. Sean says you should avoid wasting your time working on a study guide if you could get the finished product from someone else. He said, “I had many classes with a fellow classmate and forced her to do all of the study guides so that I could leach off of her work.” Sean goes on to say that exams were a breeze, mostly because of his friend’s study guides.
Julia Gennett says that studying is the worst part of exam week. Much like Sean, Julia prefers to study alone at the public library. Unlike senior exams, where English is one of the tougher tests, Julia reports that English was her easiest and Religion was by far the hardest she had to take. Julia said that at one point during the impossibly hard week of studying, she gave up on studying for Bio. What would lead her to give up? Well, the answer is Jared Scavone.
Jared, the source of all evil, coerced Julia to give up on the pursuit of knowledge and to go to sleep, all because Jared thought “the exam wasn’t too bad.” This disgrace of a freshman should think twice before he tries to ruin someone’s future when finals roll around the corner. Jared, though he is known for his poor academic decisions such as leading his friends down an unforgiving path of failure, says he did pretty well on his exams. This ultimately stems from his experience at Randolph Middle School, where lengthy tests are fairly common.
Jared balances his studying with some group study and a little bit of private study too. Unlike what Jared told Julia, Jared told me that his hardest exam was Bio. Jared told Julia that Bio was easy, but then reports that it was not too bad. This deceit sounds like the work of something beyond our understanding. Yes, Jared may be more than a student, maybe even more than a human. Jared, although he is omniscient, says that his greatest fallacy was thinking that exams would be easy. He admits that a more intense study will help him on his final exams this June.
Brady Reitz, a cross country goddess, recommends extended periods of intense study via flashcards. Much like Jared, Brady suggests studying until your brain starts to ache. Contrary to popular belief, Brady recommends straight memorization with little to no comprehension. Along with memorization, Brady said that prayer also helped him with exams. He said, “I felt like God was with me to complete the exams every day.”
Jonas Cummings recommends studying with friends to stay interested. Jonas actually says that studying with Jared Scavone ultimately increased his exam grades. Although Bio was his hardest exam, he resisted the urge to drop out of school entirely. Jonas recommends studying your butt off, even though its the only butt you have. The origin of this crude statement was his performance on his math exam. Jonas reports, “math was easy to me but I still got an 80 on it kms.” Overall, the little freshman seemed to have exceeded all of our expectations for their performance on the midterm exams.